From October 18, 2009 - The Beginning....
When I first found out that I was expecting, we were so very excited. It's been 5 years since I've had the exciting news to share. I didn't think we'd have any more children and while I enjoyed the independence of three children ages 4 and older, I missed snuggling a baby. When I started learning that things may not be ok this time, my disappointment was so overwhelming, but I clung to the hope that maybe everything would still be ok.
Mourning and grieving is difficult to understand normally, let alone in the situation I've found myself in. After all, a blighted ovum pregnancy is one in which a baby really never develops. So can I say I've lost a "baby"? Or have I only lost the "hope" of a baby? But then, I believe that life begins at conception, so it WAS a "life"... but not really... a baby. Or was it? If I don't know for sure what I've lost, how exactly do I grieve? After reading a lot of information and talking to two friends who were so kind to share their experiences with this same issue, I've decided that this story is Hope's story.
Hope was the baby that should have been. Hope was the baby that never developed. For whatever reason, Hope did not get to be part of our family. And, if Hope was a life, she's in heaven waiting for us.
But hope is more than a loss.
For us, hope is...
~praying that everything would be ok even when we knew it wouldn't
~wondering if by chance, the diagnosis was wrong
~knowing that we will be able to try again
~enjoying every moment with our three wonderful children
~knowing that God is in control of every situation (if a sparrow can't fall to the ground without His knowledge and even will, then a baby that doesn't grow right isn't out of His control or knowledge either)
And ultimate hope is knowing that one day God will wipe away every tear from our eyes and there will be no more death or sorrow or dying or pain.
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