Time Out - Current Thoughts

As I've been posting and trying to go back through and get this journal "caught up", I've found that it's been quite emotionally draining to do this. No wonder I've been tired lately!

Thursday was such a difficult day... I was back to a "normal" day of school (we homeschool) and my husband was back at work. It felt wrong that life should be moving on when I wanted to just stay put and cry. I felt like I'd cried myself out on Monday and Tuesday and then on Wednesday I felt relief to have an answer, but on Thursday, my emotions were just raw. My moods were all over the place and I hated myself for that. Anxiety kept flaring up to the point I pictured myself as a cat flattened against the ceiling, claws dug into the ceiling, and needing to be "peeled off the ceiling" as the saying goes. I could just visualize that expression so well the way I was feeling!

Friday was better... but I also discovered that sometimes blighted ovum pregnancies are misdiagnosed and there may actually be a baby there that couldn't be seen on an ultrasound... hope flared up, even as I knew that was probably not going to be the case here. My tiny bit of occasional queasiness was pretty much gone, and I knew that's not a good sign. I called my doctor to see if he could call in a prescription for Xanax for at night if I needed it or for those days I would otherwise be spending flattened against the ceiling again. I took 1/2 a tablet Friday night before bed and 1/2 when I woke up in the middle of the night and so far haven't needed anything more.

Adding to the yuckiness of all of this is that I decided to wait and let things progress naturally. Instead of having a D&C or taking a medication to induce a miscarriage. So I wait... I could be waiting for 3 weeks or more. Many women opt for a D&C because then it's over with, there's closure, and they can move on. I chose to do things like I normally do whenever possible... let things happen naturally. Sometimes I question my sanity for doing it this way, but I know for me, it's the right choice. It didn't help to read a statistic that most women are only able to stand the waiting for about 2 weeks, then they opt for the D&C. Or that the longer the time between the diagnosis and the actual miscarriage, the greater the incidence of depression, which I've struggled with in the past.

Through all of this my mind is clinging to God's promises and His character and the hope of a happy pregnancy in the future. But sometimes my heart and my body (the stab of nausea as everything just hits at an odd moment, etc.) do their own thing. I want to truly trust God through this, and not just present a face to the world that I'm handling things well. I do trust God to take care of me and to do what is right and best and I do see His grace and provision and love already in this situation in so many ways... but my heart still grieves, and I know that's ok too.