Wow... what a week. I ended up going in on Tuesday for an ultrasound because I started bleeding more that morning, and the nurse said having the u/s would show if there was anything else being "retained" or if everything was as it should be. Everything was fine, and that was more of a relief than I'd expected. YEAH! Now I know everything can get back to normal and this can really be in the past.
I worked Wednesday back at my "old" job, which I really enjoy. It was a nice, busy morning, and my kids were well-taken-care of by a friend from church. But Thursday I felt very run-down and beat up. Finances were really in rough shape and we were getting hit with multiple NSF fees because we weren't getting our reimbursement for some medical bills we'd paid, figuring we'd have the reimbursement before the other bills went through. Bad idea. Save a few $10 late fees on bills, and get slapped with a few $35 bank fees. Blah.... and I was crabby with the kids, and generally miserable all day. Who knows why some days are just like that!
Friday was better... school went well and I got some things done. Of course, we got paid, so I knew the end to the fees had finally come. That helped. And someone in our family let us know they were going to send us some money in the mail to help us get by. That was a definite answer to prayer.
Last night, my little 4 year old was up most of the night screaming with a tummy ache. It was so sad... he'd rest/sleep for a while and then start screaming. Each time, the screaming didn't last quite as long, so I knew he was probably getting better. By 4am, he was settled down. But this morning he woke up with a fever and cold symptoms. So I guess he was coming down with something. He didn't act like he felt too bad most of the day. At nap time I gave him some Motrin for his fever (up to 103) and he slept a long time and woke up fever-free and seeming to feel better.
Today we had our yard sale. In the rain. And people showed up! We made about $160 which was not as much as we'd hoped, but definitely better than we thought we'd get with all the rain. We sold some bigger items and took the rest of the clothing and books to Goodwill. So we freed up some room and made grocery money for this pay period! :) Things are looking brighter!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Saturday
Very sore today... my back and tummy. Still some cramping, but mostly just very sore. I guess they went through a lot the past few days.
I got surprised by a few moments of sadness today... tears catch me off guard. Not big weeping sessions... just tears spring to my eyes unexpectedly when I read a story or see a picture that just catches me off guard.
So thankful for my friends.... people call and email just to make sure I'm ok. That means so much. I'll need to remember that. "Just checking on you" means sooo much.
I got surprised by a few moments of sadness today... tears catch me off guard. Not big weeping sessions... just tears spring to my eyes unexpectedly when I read a story or see a picture that just catches me off guard.
So thankful for my friends.... people call and email just to make sure I'm ok. That means so much. I'll need to remember that. "Just checking on you" means sooo much.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Relief
Yesterday afternoon was rough. "A Heavy Period" does not describe what it was like at all. More like 5 hours of labor. And WAY more bleeding than I've ever had with my periods. (I'm convinced now that I have lighter-than-average periods) By 6pm I was pretty sure things were beyond normal, and my husband was going to take me in to the Emergency Room. I'd called the nurse at my OBs office an hour and a half before, and she said to give it and hour and if things didn't start to let up, I should go in and get checked out to make sure there wasn't a problem. The OB on call was notified that she'd probably be hearing from the ER staff sometime. So I had a babysitter lined up to meet us halfway and take the kids for the evening. But right at the last minute I decided to just give it one more hour. I really didn't want to end up with a D&C if I didn't really need it. And I REALLY didn't want to go to the ER and sit around a germy waiting room and get stuck waiting forever, and the embarrassment factor was still there, so maybe I wasn't in as bad a shape as I thought!
That last hour did the trick. Everything let up and by 7pm I was already feeling better and knew I was probably going to survive. :) So we called the babysitter and let her know we didn't need her... she told us she'd have her cell phone by her pillow and if we needed her at any time in the night, she'd be there. The kids were disappointed, that they weren't going to get to go "be babysat", but they got over it.
I'm really so relieved that this didn't end up lasting longer than it did. The waiting and the potential for waiting longer was no fun. But neither would it have been any easier to be surprised by what happened yesterday...
I know emotions are weird and maybe sadness will keep sneaking up on me, but for now I think I'm just really ready to get back to normal. I'm sad when I think that I'd be almost through with my first trimester and how fun it would be to be expecting and planning through the holidays and then through the boring months after the new year before the weather gets really nice. And I know it may be hard if I'm not pregnant again by May (when this baby would have been born), but that's just not something I can worry about now. I have to admit, at least I have another chance to be extra healthy and exercise a little before I get pregnant again... and enjoy the extra energy when I'm NOT pregnant. I'd forgotten how tired being pregnant makes me!
Well, tonight is pizza and movie night, so I'd better get the pizzas going!
That last hour did the trick. Everything let up and by 7pm I was already feeling better and knew I was probably going to survive. :) So we called the babysitter and let her know we didn't need her... she told us she'd have her cell phone by her pillow and if we needed her at any time in the night, she'd be there. The kids were disappointed, that they weren't going to get to go "be babysat", but they got over it.
I'm really so relieved that this didn't end up lasting longer than it did. The waiting and the potential for waiting longer was no fun. But neither would it have been any easier to be surprised by what happened yesterday...
I know emotions are weird and maybe sadness will keep sneaking up on me, but for now I think I'm just really ready to get back to normal. I'm sad when I think that I'd be almost through with my first trimester and how fun it would be to be expecting and planning through the holidays and then through the boring months after the new year before the weather gets really nice. And I know it may be hard if I'm not pregnant again by May (when this baby would have been born), but that's just not something I can worry about now. I have to admit, at least I have another chance to be extra healthy and exercise a little before I get pregnant again... and enjoy the extra energy when I'm NOT pregnant. I'd forgotten how tired being pregnant makes me!
Well, tonight is pizza and movie night, so I'd better get the pizzas going!
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Note to Self...
It might be good to know that when they say "cramping" they mean more like labor. I've NEVER had cramps like this. A man must have decided it's "cramping". Sigh...
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
One Week
Today marks one week since the definite news that we wouldn't be having a baby this time around.
I feel so much better, generally speaking, each day that goes by. I have moments, every day, that are difficult. Either a wave of sadness, or a shooting stab of anxiety for no apparent reason, or a short-tempered moment where I yell at a child before I realize that I'm doing it. So, weird moments like that, but not whole days of misery. Lots of smiles, hugs, and falling again on God's grace and mercy. Right now, I'm marveling that I feel as good as I do. I'm thankful for any relatively normal days, even if there will still be difficult days ahead.
I did start bleeding a bit last night. And feeling about as miserable as I do as I start any period. Today, a little more... so I don't think it will be long now. Once again, I'm relieved to see an end to the waiting in sight.
I feel so much better, generally speaking, each day that goes by. I have moments, every day, that are difficult. Either a wave of sadness, or a shooting stab of anxiety for no apparent reason, or a short-tempered moment where I yell at a child before I realize that I'm doing it. So, weird moments like that, but not whole days of misery. Lots of smiles, hugs, and falling again on God's grace and mercy. Right now, I'm marveling that I feel as good as I do. I'm thankful for any relatively normal days, even if there will still be difficult days ahead.
I did start bleeding a bit last night. And feeling about as miserable as I do as I start any period. Today, a little more... so I don't think it will be long now. Once again, I'm relieved to see an end to the waiting in sight.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Other Things
I find a lot of times that when things really look grim, I really don't have anything else TO do, but give them up to God... today, we got the wonderful news that we will be paying over $2000 for car repairs. What can I say? Out comes the credit card we try so hard not to use, and there's nothing else to do, but pray again that God will send along a winning McDonald's Monopoly ticket or some "lost" money somewhere that someone's been looking for us so they can send it to us.
In the whole grand scheme of things, I'm learning that we really can't complain too much about financial problems. Everyone has them, nowadays. There might have been a time that we were some of the fewer people really struggling to get by, but with the economy the way it is, everyone is dealing with financial issues. We realized again, that we'd rather have financial problems than marriage problems or children with serious health problems or our own health problems. Of all the problems to have, I'd pick finances if I had a choice.
In the whole grand scheme of things, I'm learning that we really can't complain too much about financial problems. Everyone has them, nowadays. There might have been a time that we were some of the fewer people really struggling to get by, but with the economy the way it is, everyone is dealing with financial issues. We realized again, that we'd rather have financial problems than marriage problems or children with serious health problems or our own health problems. Of all the problems to have, I'd pick finances if I had a choice.
Nothing New
Nothing new to report today... no symptoms of any kind. Tomorrow will be a week...
I heard the song by Casting Crowns, "I'll Praise You in this Storm" this morning.
I was sure by now, God,
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining.
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand.
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.
I heard the song by Casting Crowns, "I'll Praise You in this Storm" this morning.
I was sure by now, God,
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining.
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand.
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.
Monday, October 19, 2009
God's Grace
Extra notes I added when writing to some close friends on Wednesday...
I ended up having to go to my appointment alone. A friend was going to go with me and then got called into work at the last minute. But the U/s tech was so sweet and compassionate and encouraging that she was as good as having a good friend with me. I plan to write her a thank you note soon. She went way above and beyond the call of duty.
And a note on God's grace... I realized today that if I hadn't had that just tiny little bit of bleeding on Sunday (none since), I'd have gone in today for my first u/s not suspecting anything and I'd have been absolutely devastated. I'm so thankful God gave me a "heads up" that something might be wrong.
I ended up having to go to my appointment alone. A friend was going to go with me and then got called into work at the last minute. But the U/s tech was so sweet and compassionate and encouraging that she was as good as having a good friend with me. I plan to write her a thank you note soon. She went way above and beyond the call of duty.
And a note on God's grace... I realized today that if I hadn't had that just tiny little bit of bleeding on Sunday (none since), I'd have gone in today for my first u/s not suspecting anything and I'd have been absolutely devastated. I'm so thankful God gave me a "heads up" that something might be wrong.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Sunday, October 18
We went to our small group meeting tonight. We're studying Randy Alcorn's book "Heaven". How appropriate. I missed the first meeting on this topic a few weeks ago, so this was my first glimpse of the book and where the author was going to take the topic. It was great.
Imagine that new heaven and earth without the curse of sin! Almost unimaginable, and yet, every once in a while, doesn't God give us just a peek into what our hearts long for every day? That perfect day, where the sun is just warm enough without burning, the breeze is neither cold or hot, the sky is brilliant blue with white fluffy clouds, and the temperature is just..... heavenly. Or a refreshing time of working, getting the things done we needed to get done, that sense of accomplishment, when, for once, things went the way they were supposed to. Watching our kids giggle and play together nicely, kindly, and realizing with a sigh, that for just this moment, everything is good. If all creation groans, waiting for things to be put right, no wonder we long for it too, even when we don't realize that's what we're longing for.
After the "class", we all were asked to share what was going on in our lives and any prayer requests. This is a pretty small bunch... maybe 7-8 couples. We were right in the middle, and I knew chances were that my husband wouldn't feel comfortable sharing our sorrow with this group. But as people began to share the deep struggles they are going through right now, we both realized that this was exactly where we could safely ask for prayer.
When it was our turn, we told about our week. I think for my husband it was so good to say out loud what we are going through. He shared that, unknown to me, he was also struggling with how to react and respond to the news we received. Once again, it was that question of... did we lose a baby? or was there never a baby there? I had no idea he was struggling with this... as far as I could tell, it was done and over with for him and that was that. I think we wives forget sometimes that our husbands do have feelings, sometimes similar to ours, and yet, they often just don't show them in ways we can understand.
Two dear ladies from the group gave me a chance to talk after the class and one gave me an index card with her phone numbers, telling me to call if I need her to come and keep me company or if I need her to watch the kids or if I need ANYTHING at all.
I've always wondered what the appropriate response, words, offers, gestures, etc., were when my friends have gone through similar things. Now I know... a hug, a chance to talk if they need to talk, specific offers of help, a phone call just to see if they're ok. Such little things can be such a soothing comfort to a wounded heart.
Imagine that new heaven and earth without the curse of sin! Almost unimaginable, and yet, every once in a while, doesn't God give us just a peek into what our hearts long for every day? That perfect day, where the sun is just warm enough without burning, the breeze is neither cold or hot, the sky is brilliant blue with white fluffy clouds, and the temperature is just..... heavenly. Or a refreshing time of working, getting the things done we needed to get done, that sense of accomplishment, when, for once, things went the way they were supposed to. Watching our kids giggle and play together nicely, kindly, and realizing with a sigh, that for just this moment, everything is good. If all creation groans, waiting for things to be put right, no wonder we long for it too, even when we don't realize that's what we're longing for.
After the "class", we all were asked to share what was going on in our lives and any prayer requests. This is a pretty small bunch... maybe 7-8 couples. We were right in the middle, and I knew chances were that my husband wouldn't feel comfortable sharing our sorrow with this group. But as people began to share the deep struggles they are going through right now, we both realized that this was exactly where we could safely ask for prayer.
When it was our turn, we told about our week. I think for my husband it was so good to say out loud what we are going through. He shared that, unknown to me, he was also struggling with how to react and respond to the news we received. Once again, it was that question of... did we lose a baby? or was there never a baby there? I had no idea he was struggling with this... as far as I could tell, it was done and over with for him and that was that. I think we wives forget sometimes that our husbands do have feelings, sometimes similar to ours, and yet, they often just don't show them in ways we can understand.
Two dear ladies from the group gave me a chance to talk after the class and one gave me an index card with her phone numbers, telling me to call if I need her to come and keep me company or if I need her to watch the kids or if I need ANYTHING at all.
I've always wondered what the appropriate response, words, offers, gestures, etc., were when my friends have gone through similar things. Now I know... a hug, a chance to talk if they need to talk, specific offers of help, a phone call just to see if they're ok. Such little things can be such a soothing comfort to a wounded heart.
Time Out - Current Thoughts
As I've been posting and trying to go back through and get this journal "caught up", I've found that it's been quite emotionally draining to do this. No wonder I've been tired lately!
Thursday was such a difficult day... I was back to a "normal" day of school (we homeschool) and my husband was back at work. It felt wrong that life should be moving on when I wanted to just stay put and cry. I felt like I'd cried myself out on Monday and Tuesday and then on Wednesday I felt relief to have an answer, but on Thursday, my emotions were just raw. My moods were all over the place and I hated myself for that. Anxiety kept flaring up to the point I pictured myself as a cat flattened against the ceiling, claws dug into the ceiling, and needing to be "peeled off the ceiling" as the saying goes. I could just visualize that expression so well the way I was feeling!
Friday was better... but I also discovered that sometimes blighted ovum pregnancies are misdiagnosed and there may actually be a baby there that couldn't be seen on an ultrasound... hope flared up, even as I knew that was probably not going to be the case here. My tiny bit of occasional queasiness was pretty much gone, and I knew that's not a good sign. I called my doctor to see if he could call in a prescription for Xanax for at night if I needed it or for those days I would otherwise be spending flattened against the ceiling again. I took 1/2 a tablet Friday night before bed and 1/2 when I woke up in the middle of the night and so far haven't needed anything more.
Adding to the yuckiness of all of this is that I decided to wait and let things progress naturally. Instead of having a D&C or taking a medication to induce a miscarriage. So I wait... I could be waiting for 3 weeks or more. Many women opt for a D&C because then it's over with, there's closure, and they can move on. I chose to do things like I normally do whenever possible... let things happen naturally. Sometimes I question my sanity for doing it this way, but I know for me, it's the right choice. It didn't help to read a statistic that most women are only able to stand the waiting for about 2 weeks, then they opt for the D&C. Or that the longer the time between the diagnosis and the actual miscarriage, the greater the incidence of depression, which I've struggled with in the past.
Through all of this my mind is clinging to God's promises and His character and the hope of a happy pregnancy in the future. But sometimes my heart and my body (the stab of nausea as everything just hits at an odd moment, etc.) do their own thing. I want to truly trust God through this, and not just present a face to the world that I'm handling things well. I do trust God to take care of me and to do what is right and best and I do see His grace and provision and love already in this situation in so many ways... but my heart still grieves, and I know that's ok too.
Thursday was such a difficult day... I was back to a "normal" day of school (we homeschool) and my husband was back at work. It felt wrong that life should be moving on when I wanted to just stay put and cry. I felt like I'd cried myself out on Monday and Tuesday and then on Wednesday I felt relief to have an answer, but on Thursday, my emotions were just raw. My moods were all over the place and I hated myself for that. Anxiety kept flaring up to the point I pictured myself as a cat flattened against the ceiling, claws dug into the ceiling, and needing to be "peeled off the ceiling" as the saying goes. I could just visualize that expression so well the way I was feeling!
Friday was better... but I also discovered that sometimes blighted ovum pregnancies are misdiagnosed and there may actually be a baby there that couldn't be seen on an ultrasound... hope flared up, even as I knew that was probably not going to be the case here. My tiny bit of occasional queasiness was pretty much gone, and I knew that's not a good sign. I called my doctor to see if he could call in a prescription for Xanax for at night if I needed it or for those days I would otherwise be spending flattened against the ceiling again. I took 1/2 a tablet Friday night before bed and 1/2 when I woke up in the middle of the night and so far haven't needed anything more.
Adding to the yuckiness of all of this is that I decided to wait and let things progress naturally. Instead of having a D&C or taking a medication to induce a miscarriage. So I wait... I could be waiting for 3 weeks or more. Many women opt for a D&C because then it's over with, there's closure, and they can move on. I chose to do things like I normally do whenever possible... let things happen naturally. Sometimes I question my sanity for doing it this way, but I know for me, it's the right choice. It didn't help to read a statistic that most women are only able to stand the waiting for about 2 weeks, then they opt for the D&C. Or that the longer the time between the diagnosis and the actual miscarriage, the greater the incidence of depression, which I've struggled with in the past.
Through all of this my mind is clinging to God's promises and His character and the hope of a happy pregnancy in the future. But sometimes my heart and my body (the stab of nausea as everything just hits at an odd moment, etc.) do their own thing. I want to truly trust God through this, and not just present a face to the world that I'm handling things well. I do trust God to take care of me and to do what is right and best and I do see His grace and provision and love already in this situation in so many ways... but my heart still grieves, and I know that's ok too.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
At this point, the emails say it best, so here is the next email we sent to close friends and family....
Hi, Family and Friends,
Thank you so much for praying for us these past few days. I had a very conclusive ultrasound today that showed that there isn't going to be a baby for us this time around. Of course, we're disappointed, but we're also relieved to have a definite answer. I wanted to include a good link that explains what happened.
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/blightedovum.html
The kids were with a friend from church and when I got back to pick them up, she invited me to stay and ordered pizza and put the kids in front of Disney movies so we could visit and get to know each other better. It was a nice time, and I'm SO thankful for the friends we've met at this new church.
I told the girls today and they are sad, but hopeful for "next time". They set the table and decorated the dining room for me "in honor of you being such a good mommy". :)
The kids and ***** are off to Wednesday night church, and I'm staying put to get some things done that I haven't gotten done in the past few days.
Thank you again for your support and love and prayers!
Love,
Michelle
Hi, Family and Friends,
Thank you so much for praying for us these past few days. I had a very conclusive ultrasound today that showed that there isn't going to be a baby for us this time around. Of course, we're disappointed, but we're also relieved to have a definite answer. I wanted to include a good link that explains what happened.
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/blightedovum.html
The kids were with a friend from church and when I got back to pick them up, she invited me to stay and ordered pizza and put the kids in front of Disney movies so we could visit and get to know each other better. It was a nice time, and I'm SO thankful for the friends we've met at this new church.
I told the girls today and they are sad, but hopeful for "next time". They set the table and decorated the dining room for me "in honor of you being such a good mommy". :)
The kids and ***** are off to Wednesday night church, and I'm staying put to get some things done that I haven't gotten done in the past few days.
Thank you again for your support and love and prayers!
Love,
Michelle
Maybe All Is Not Well...
On Tuesday morning, October 13, we sent out a desperate request for prayer to our closest friends and family....
Things are not looking very good for this pregnancy. I had just a tiny bit of bleeding Sunday night and it worried me, so I called yesterday morning, hoping they could get me in for an ultrasound just to reassure me everything was ok. I couldnt' get in to the doctors office, but they sent me to the diagnostics building. That meant I wouldn't get any results until late in the day, but it was better than nothing, and I figured if there was a heartbeat, they'd let me hear it.
The news is that the U/s shows me being only 6 weeks along and no heartbeat yet. I should be 8-9 weeks. So either I was WAY off with my figuring (which I doubt... I usually know pretty well what's going on) or or the baby stopped developing at 6 weeks. I haven't had any more bleeding. I had a blood test today for a progesterone level, but those results won't be back until tomorrow afternoon. I'm supposed to keep my appointment and have another u/s tomorrow (8:30) and see the doctor.
So at this point, I'm praying for good news, but trying to prepare for bad news. Nothing has been encouraging so far. I was queasy all day yesterday and then this morning not a bit. So even the morning sickness isn't there to be the usual "good sign".
My biggest concern is that we told the kids Sunday afternoon... that was dumb. If only we'd waited ONE more day. But that seems to be how it goes. **** knows there is some concern about the baby (she already was aware that sometimes babies die before they're born, maybe from Little House on the Prairie?), but we've talked a lot about God's plans for families and people and that whatever happens will be ok.
I'm not really up to talking on the phone right now. I'll keep you posted on what I find out tomorrow. I think once I have a definite answer, I'll feel better... it's the waiting and not knowing that's hard. I do know that this is much easier than it would be if it was my first baby or even second or third. And I know we can always try again if this really is a miscarriage.
Anyway, we wanted to let you know so you could be praying. Please don't put it on the prayer chain right now.
Things are not looking very good for this pregnancy. I had just a tiny bit of bleeding Sunday night and it worried me, so I called yesterday morning, hoping they could get me in for an ultrasound just to reassure me everything was ok. I couldnt' get in to the doctors office, but they sent me to the diagnostics building. That meant I wouldn't get any results until late in the day, but it was better than nothing, and I figured if there was a heartbeat, they'd let me hear it.
The news is that the U/s shows me being only 6 weeks along and no heartbeat yet. I should be 8-9 weeks. So either I was WAY off with my figuring (which I doubt... I usually know pretty well what's going on) or or the baby stopped developing at 6 weeks. I haven't had any more bleeding. I had a blood test today for a progesterone level, but those results won't be back until tomorrow afternoon. I'm supposed to keep my appointment and have another u/s tomorrow (8:30) and see the doctor.
So at this point, I'm praying for good news, but trying to prepare for bad news. Nothing has been encouraging so far. I was queasy all day yesterday and then this morning not a bit. So even the morning sickness isn't there to be the usual "good sign".
My biggest concern is that we told the kids Sunday afternoon... that was dumb. If only we'd waited ONE more day. But that seems to be how it goes. **** knows there is some concern about the baby (she already was aware that sometimes babies die before they're born, maybe from Little House on the Prairie?), but we've talked a lot about God's plans for families and people and that whatever happens will be ok.
I'm not really up to talking on the phone right now. I'll keep you posted on what I find out tomorrow. I think once I have a definite answer, I'll feel better... it's the waiting and not knowing that's hard. I do know that this is much easier than it would be if it was my first baby or even second or third. And I know we can always try again if this really is a miscarriage.
Anyway, we wanted to let you know so you could be praying. Please don't put it on the prayer chain right now.
Sharing the News
My parents came for a visit and to celebrate our middle child's birthday over the weekend of October 2-4. I couldn't help it and begged my husband to let me tell them, even though it was earlier than we normally felt comfortable sharing the news. He agreed, and my parents were thrilled. We started making plans... Mom would come in March to help me get some cooking ahead done and we'd do some cleaning and then she'd come again after the baby was born, because my due date was at the end of May, right before school was out for the summer, so she'd be here to help until my husband was home for the summer.
The next weekend, my mother-in-law and her sisters and neice came for a "girls' getaway" to visit us, and of course we couldn't wait to tell them too! I called my father-in-law and let him know right away too. Everyone wanted to know if they could share the news and we asked that they just wait 3 days until my first doctors' appointment and saw/heard a heartbeat and knew that all was well, and then they could tell.
They left Sunday afternoon, October 11.
The next weekend, my mother-in-law and her sisters and neice came for a "girls' getaway" to visit us, and of course we couldn't wait to tell them too! I called my father-in-law and let him know right away too. Everyone wanted to know if they could share the news and we asked that they just wait 3 days until my first doctors' appointment and saw/heard a heartbeat and knew that all was well, and then they could tell.
They left Sunday afternoon, October 11.
A Positive Test!
On September 19, I bought a pregnancy test. Not because I thought I was pregnant, but because I hoped I'd be needing to test sometime in the next few months. Then I started counting days. I should have started my period the day before. But I was PRETTY sure that I wasn't pregnant. Neurotic as I am, I did the test.
How can you describe the disbelief you feel when that second line shows up and you KNEW you weren't pregnant? When you weren't even sure, 5 years later and now 35 years old, that you WOULD ever be pregnant again? When you weren't even TYRING to get pregnant?? When you thought you'd be trying for months before even having a reason to do a test?
That meant that I was already expecting when we made the decision to try. I just marveled at God's kindness in working the timing out so wonderfully. If I'd found out I was expecting BEFORE that conversation, I would have felt a little funny, like had I maybe LET myself get pregnant because I really wanted one more child? I'd had nervous moments before when I thought I might have "accidentally" gotten pregnant (our birth control methods involve natural family planning with extra protection on 'danger' days), and never wanted to give my husband reason to believe that I was not honoring his decision.
Oh, we were so excited. I told one friend right away, but we decided we needed to wait to tell family and friends at least until we had that first ultrasound and doctor's visit and knew things were ok at that point. We originally planned to wait until Christmas, but realized quickly that there was no way that would happen... I felt like I was starting to "bulge" almost immediately!
How can you describe the disbelief you feel when that second line shows up and you KNEW you weren't pregnant? When you weren't even sure, 5 years later and now 35 years old, that you WOULD ever be pregnant again? When you weren't even TYRING to get pregnant?? When you thought you'd be trying for months before even having a reason to do a test?
That meant that I was already expecting when we made the decision to try. I just marveled at God's kindness in working the timing out so wonderfully. If I'd found out I was expecting BEFORE that conversation, I would have felt a little funny, like had I maybe LET myself get pregnant because I really wanted one more child? I'd had nervous moments before when I thought I might have "accidentally" gotten pregnant (our birth control methods involve natural family planning with extra protection on 'danger' days), and never wanted to give my husband reason to believe that I was not honoring his decision.
Oh, we were so excited. I told one friend right away, but we decided we needed to wait to tell family and friends at least until we had that first ultrasound and doctor's visit and knew things were ok at that point. We originally planned to wait until Christmas, but realized quickly that there was no way that would happen... I felt like I was starting to "bulge" almost immediately!
The Beginning
Over Labor Day, our family went to a nearby park and had a picnic and a beautiful day together. As we munched our lunches, we got talking about the recent adoption information class we'd attended and whether we should continue pursuing in-state adoption of a newborn-6 year old boy, since most children available for adoption are 8 years old or older or are part of a sibling group.
Adoption had been in our hearts for years, but we were finally taking the first few steps to start the process. We felt like we "needed" to adopt a boy because we already had 2 girls and a boy, so that would round out the statistics nicely and logistically it would be easiest. But we'd be open to whatever God brought our way.
We knew we didn't want to adopt a child older than our oldest child, but weren't sure about other ages; we just knew that under 6 years old would be most ideal. So as we talked about what we should/could do, we realized that, really, we could make it work if we had a brother/sister sibling group... I mean, if families in pioneer days could fit a family of 6 in a two-room cabin, we could probably get creative and figure out a place for another girl!
Or.... Daddy said..... should we just try to have another baby? My heart skipped a beat. I've always wanted one more baby. Ever since our littlest was born, I've occasionally caught myself looking for one more, like someone was missing, and realizing, no... I have them all. But my husband wasn't so sure. He thought that maybe we would be adopting in the future and he also felt the financial responsibility and strain that our family of 5 had on his income. So for the past 5 years, I'd been trying to honor this decision and give up that longing for "just one more"... which maybe wouldn't really go away even if we DID have one more! Who knows?
Anyway, the kids were all excited and couldn't decide which would be better, a ready-made "playmate" (and realistically, a child who needed a family, as they were learning that this adoption idea isn't so much about us "getting another child" as it is about "being the family a child needs") or a brand-new baby. We decided to pursue both and see where God led us....
Adoption had been in our hearts for years, but we were finally taking the first few steps to start the process. We felt like we "needed" to adopt a boy because we already had 2 girls and a boy, so that would round out the statistics nicely and logistically it would be easiest. But we'd be open to whatever God brought our way.
We knew we didn't want to adopt a child older than our oldest child, but weren't sure about other ages; we just knew that under 6 years old would be most ideal. So as we talked about what we should/could do, we realized that, really, we could make it work if we had a brother/sister sibling group... I mean, if families in pioneer days could fit a family of 6 in a two-room cabin, we could probably get creative and figure out a place for another girl!
Or.... Daddy said..... should we just try to have another baby? My heart skipped a beat. I've always wanted one more baby. Ever since our littlest was born, I've occasionally caught myself looking for one more, like someone was missing, and realizing, no... I have them all. But my husband wasn't so sure. He thought that maybe we would be adopting in the future and he also felt the financial responsibility and strain that our family of 5 had on his income. So for the past 5 years, I'd been trying to honor this decision and give up that longing for "just one more"... which maybe wouldn't really go away even if we DID have one more! Who knows?
Anyway, the kids were all excited and couldn't decide which would be better, a ready-made "playmate" (and realistically, a child who needed a family, as they were learning that this adoption idea isn't so much about us "getting another child" as it is about "being the family a child needs") or a brand-new baby. We decided to pursue both and see where God led us....
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