My husband told me earlier this week that he really feels like we need to stop trying for another baby and be content with the family that we have. We haven't really been "trying"... more like not trying NOT to. That really hit me hard, as I remembered again that in the next week or two, we would have been welcoming our little one into the world. He had forgotten, and felt so bad about the timing. Through my tears, I told him that I truly do understand his reasons, although part of me really feels like if God has more children planned for us, we should let that happen (and the other part of me knows that if He DOES have more planned, we're probably not going to stop it!).
Later in the week, I started my period and I realized that I AM ready to move on. I'm tired of wondering every month if this will be "it", and being disappointed. My heart breaks for women who go through that every month for YEARS... I don't think I would have survived that.
I love my family. I realize what a blessing and honor it is to have three healthy children. And I'm so thankful. How can I demand that God gives us another child? How can I resent or selfishly descend into a pity party when my friends tell me that they are expecting? I'm so thankful that while I do get a twinge of envy, resentment, and self-pity, I truly am happy for them. I'm so happy that one friend who has miscarried twice, now has a healthy pregnancy. I'm so happy that another who was worried after my experience, just heard the heartbeat this week, and all is well.
My heart flip-flops when I realize that my due date is quickly coming up. I think it was May 27. Thursday. But because it would have been a c-section, he or she would have actually probably already been here by now. No one really knows. No one really remembers. But I do.
And then my thoughts go back to... was there really a baby? Or were things so wrong from the beginning that no baby was ever there? And so... what am I remembering? Do I have a child in heaven? Or was it just basically a glorified false-positive pregnancy test? I tried to email an organization that has a staff of Christian counselors and medical doctors and ask, but they wrote back and said they'd want to talk with me in person over the phone. I really just wanted to know from a Christian perspective.... I don't know how to explain this, but I don't feel right memorializing a child who wasn't ever there. So for now, I have to say... I don't know. BUT as my mother-in-law said after sharing with me a possibly very early miscarriage she experienced... there will probably be a lot of families who will be wonderfully surprised to meet children in heaven that we didn't know about. :)
God is good...the world is fallen...but someday...all will be right again! What a wonderful promise!
~Michelle
