Who Is Hope?

From October 18, 2009 - The Beginning.... When I first found out that I was expecting, we were so very excited. It's been 5 years since I've had the exciting news to share. I didn't think we'd have any more children and while I enjoyed the independence of three children ages 4 and older, I missed snuggling a baby. When I started learning that things may not be ok this time, my disappointment was so overwhelming, but I clung to the hope that maybe everything would still be ok.

Mourning and grieving is difficult to understand normally, let alone in the situation I've found myself in. After all, a blighted ovum pregnancy is one in which a baby really never develops. So can I say I've lost a "baby"? Or have I only lost the "hope" of a baby? But then, I believe that life begins at conception, so it WAS a "life"... but not really... a baby. Or was it? If I don't know for sure what I've lost, how exactly do I grieve? After reading a lot of information and talking to two friends who were so kind to share their experiences with this same issue, I've decided that this story is Hope's story.

Hope was the baby that should have been. Hope was the baby that never developed. For whatever reason, Hope did not get to be part of our family. And, if Hope was a life, she's in heaven waiting for us.

But hope is more than a loss.

For us, hope is...

~praying that everything would be ok even when we knew it wouldn't
~wondering if by chance, the diagnosis was wrong
~knowing that we will be able to try again
~enjoying every moment with our three wonderful children
~knowing that God is in control of every situation (if a sparrow can't fall to the ground without His knowledge and even will, then a baby that doesn't grow right isn't out of His control or knowledge either)

And ultimate hope is knowing that one day God will wipe away every tear from our eyes and there will be no more death or sorrow or dying or pain.

To continue reading my story in order... access the posts in order through "archives" on the right side of this page.

Anna Elise

I feel like I need to finish out this blog. Our beautiful Anna is now almost 9 months old. She is such a blessing to our family. I'm so grateful to God for blessing us with another child. I think I appreciate each of my children more now that I know what it is like to lose the promise of a child.

God has put my heart to rest about baby Hope. I'm ok not knowing whether she was a child or just the hope of a child. I will be thrilled to meet her in Heaven, but I'm ok if that pregnancy was completely a hormonal fluke, too. God is good, and everything He does is good. Even if I don't understand. I don't need to know. Maybe someday He will bring something into my life that I feel I MUST understand. I'm thankfkul at this point, that He has given me the ability to let it go.

Sometimes the uncertainty of life scares me. I read other people's blogs and I realize that tomorrow may hold something beyond my greatest fears. What would I do if.....? I don't know. But I do know that time and time again God somehow gives grace and strength to endure great heartache and trial. Weariness and hopelessness threaten to overwhelm, but somehow, God seems to carry his children through the most unimagineable heartache. I want ease. I want happiness. I love my life just the way it is. I'm terrified by the prospect of.... things about which we only whisper, things from which I avert my eyes and won't allow my mind to even consider.

But once again, the promise of Heaven gives me the courage to take a deep breath and enjoy the life I have, while I have it. Someday, for Christ's chosen followers, we will live where "there will be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, and no more pain..."

And that is the Story of Hope.